A couple weekends ago my husband and I took the kids to see Blue Man Group in Boston. If you’re not familiar with this act, basically, it’s three guys that are painted blue that beat on drums and a variety of other unconventional instruments…like various sizes and shapes of PVC pipe. I really appreciated the creativity and humor that the show offered and my kids had a ball.

However, I think my experience was quite different from my kid’s. They were enjoying all of the cool effects of paint splattering everywhere, lights flashing, and at the end there was a huge toilet paper fight. How cool is that for two little boys?

I, on the other hand, Mrs. Green Mama, was looking at the show with a totally different perspective.

“Hmmm. I wonder if that paint is non-toxic? Do you think they recycle the toilet paper? I wonder if those are compact fluorescent light bulbs?”

And the list goes on. I guess it’s hard to go blue when you’re green, but despite my silent queries, I really did enjoy the show as you can see by this photo. Of course, it didn’t hurt that it was taken right after I put my program in the recycle bin. (o;

After years of begging, pleading, whining, and torture…we finally got a puppy. With a house full of boys, you can probably guess who the holdout was. And, if my cats had a voice, I’m pretty sure they would have been on my side of the fence as well.

There are many reasons I didn’t want to get “man’s best friend.” First, I’m a woman and have plenty of friends, thank you very much. Second, from what I’ve heard from other dog owners, having a puppy is like having a newborn. And quite frankly, whether this newborn comes out of my body or not, being a mommy again at the age of 44 was not really on my radar screen. Third, I’m not a big fan of dog smell, dog fur, or wet, stringy dog slobber. In fact, I’ve been greeted and slobbered on by enough dogs in my day to know that none of these things make my heart go pitter-patter. And lastly, despite my children’s pleas and declarations of, “We promise to take care of her,” let’s be real…it’s going to be mommy doing the daily poop scooping.

So, what’s a mother to do? On one hand I feel strongly about the subject, but on the other hand, I don’t want to deprive the men in my life of getting a new best friend. So I was willing to cave…on one condition. OK, maybe it was several conditions. We had to get a dog that was small, non-shedding, and non-smelly. Believe it or not, there are a few of those out there that meet those criteria. After some research and a visit with a friend’s pup, we decided to get a cockapoo. As the name suggests, she is a cocker spaniel/poodle mix and takes on characteristics of both dogs. However, as we’re trying to house train our little ball of fur, I’m quickly learning why they call it a pup-pee and a cocka-poo!! Thank goodness I had enough sense to pull up all of my rugs in her designated “area.”

And, just when I thought the days of living in a “gated community” were over, up they went again, draped across my front hall and my kitchen in an effort to keep our beloved hound in one place to minimize doom, doo-doo, and destruction. I can’t tell you how many times each one of us has fallen flat on our faces as we try and straddle these barriers between the sane and the insanity.

But fear not…dog lovers. Slowly, but surely I am getting closer to coming around to your side of the fence. When I see my boys laughing with glee as they play ball with her in the front yard, when her tail wags like a crazed metronome when I enter the room, when she relentlessly teases our cats (which we now refer to as Shadow TV, the best program out there.), or when she cuddles up on my feet to take her morning nap, I can clearly say why dogs are man’s and women’s best friend. Woof!

Tim Bete, author of Cap’n Billy “The Butcher” MacDougall’s Guide to Pirate Parenting, has literally written the book on how to raise your Pirate, er, I mean child. In Guide to Pirate Parenting, Cap’n Billy “The Butcher” MacDougall provides everything you need to know to turn your little powder monkeys into happy, healthy buccaneers! Cap’n Billy answers difficult parenting questions, such as:

* At what age your child should be able to remove a bottle cap by taking out his glass eye and using his eye socket?
* Which offense requires administering The Flying Dutchman Wedgie?
* How do you prevent sogging the quartermaster?
* What is the best place to maroon your disobedient child?
* How do you remove chewing gum or a giant octopus from your child’s hair?
* What’s the difference between “plundering” and “pillaging?”
* How do you convert your minivan into a pirate schooner?
* When should you smack your teenager in the side of the head with an oar?

Each information-packed section ends with “Your pirate’s progress,” a short quiz that shows whether your child is reaching his or her pirate development milestones.

To find out more about this little buccaneer of a book, check out Tim’s Web site at www.timbete.com or order the book at Amazon.com.

You might be wondering…”If you didn’t want to purchase a bathing suit with a skirt, why did you?” Well, let me start by saying that the mirror had something to do with my decision. It truly was the most “flattering” of all the suits I tried on, but really, it was the least “fattering.” The clincher in my decision though was the expression on my son’s faces when I tried the other suits on. I allowed them in the dressing room (after I was dressed of course) to give me their input and when I tried on the non-skirt suits they literally shielded their eyes, scrunched up their faces, and said…”Mom, women like you should definitely NOT wear that kind of bathing suit.” Point taken. Skirt suit purchased. Youthful athletic build…HISTORY! Sigh!

Well, I hate to say it’s about time, but…it’s about time. The Celtics have brought victory back to the Bay State and finished the series against the Lakers with an impressive score of 131-92. It was a fun series to watch and brought back memories of the good ol’ days when Larry Bird, Danny Ainge, Kevin McHale, Robert Parish & Dennis Johnson won the championship in 1986.

I was lucky enough to be living in Boston during that era and luckier still to have taken a second job as a security guard at the Boston Garden. Yup! That’s me in the picture with my friend Maria and unfortunately cardboard cutouts of the great Danny Ainge and Larry Bird. We never had the honor of actually meeting these great players, but we did sweet talk our way into the locker room once. We “befriended” the trainers who escorted us in. What an honor it was to stand next to Larry Bird’s locker and view his boat size sneakers, jersey, and some unmentionables that I won’t get into.

Maria was the one who dragged me down to apply for this job. She needed the money and loved the Bruins and I loved basketball and was a big Larry Bird fan. I got to see many of the Celtics games standing courtside in my polyester pants and clip on tie and quite often I forgot I was working and cheered along with the fans. How could you not. I mean, c’mon…it was the Celtics!!!

Unfortunately, I only made it through one season. The late hours were getting to me as was the abuse from the fans. One guy gave me the finger when I shut him off at the beer stand and tempers flared when I said, “Put out that cigarette” with brutal authority. But…just like this year’s great championship, the memories I have from watching those great players will last forever, just like my polyester uniform.

Anyway, I really do enjoy biking. In fact, I could ride for hours, maybe days. I wouldn’t be able to sit down for a month, but that’s OK, I’d stand an reflect on the way being out on the open road felt. There is truly something really “zen” about it.

Well, that was zen and this is now. One day, I was out there lost in my own thoughts, when WHOOSH! an18 wheeler flew by, the exhaust-filled breeze almost knocking me off my bike. That experience was followed by a dog darting out at me trying to bite my tires, or was it my femur? I forget. Or the time my son stopped short and I couldn’t unclip from my pedals fast enough. Can you say “timber?”

Oh well, I’m not gonna let all of those bad experiences get me down. I still love biking and try to get out there as often as possible. One request…if you see me out there bombing along…don’t honk to say hello. Instead, greet me with a soothing, “OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!”

When Tim’s death was announced, I think a lot of people stopped in their tracks and thought about their own lives. I know I did. I thought, if someone were to take a snapshot of my life at this very moment, would it be one that I recognize and am proud of? For the most part, the answer is “yes.” Of course, there is always room for improvement, but I have always said, you should live your life the way you want your epitaph to read on your gravestone. I want mine to say, “She was a good friend, wife and mother and made a few people laugh along the way.” So far…I think I’m on track. How about you?